The only thing worse than the holidays for depression is finals week. Take a 20 year old adolescent, who has been sheltered form the real world for his whole life, slap him with nearly sixty thousand dollars of debt, and give him a cumulative assessment of the past three years of his life. Call it seasonal depression, cabin fever, stress, or test anxiety; it all boils down to this young man over-exaggerating the influence that one semester will have on the rest of his life.
We have an over-caffeinated, under-rested child with nothing but stress on his mind. Throw on a whopping dose of self-doubt and you’ve got what most college kids turn into this time of year. There isn’t an easy escape from all of this stress, except to realize that the end is in sight. Count down the days, the hours, the minutes and the seconds until this hellish week is over.
The only advice I can give is this: Give it your damned best shot, in the end everything will turn out all right.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Self-Esteem
Self Esteem is a tricky business. A lot of people hold themselves to a higher standard than they hold others. But why do we do this? We tend to hold each other’s opinions of ourselves to a higher standard than our own. We don’t look at ourselves as another passer by. We act like we are being scrutinized far more often than we are in actuality. We put more value on the opinions of others than we do in our own. But why do we do this?
I don’t know if there is a clear answer to this. Few people have the capacity to understand how they are looked at. The best way I can describe this is to explain the first time I realized how my peers were really viewing me.
It was the summer before I went to college. The school organized a weekend orientation, where we’d learn the ropes of the school and meet some of our classmates. Literally no one knew anyone else. Throughout the day, we were sent throughout the campus to learn the ropes. Here’s where you go to class; here’s where you pay your bills; Here’s where you get your mail. This went on for a solid six hours. At the end of the day, the school threw an “ice cream social”.
There were few groups of kids doing much more than standing awkwardly in circles with their would-be new friends. I have never seen so many sets of eyes never stray from a cup of ice cream. I took a step back and Took it all in. I had spent all day trying so hard to make a good impression by doing the exact same thing that hundreds of other people were. All these people were too afraid to act like themselves for fear of rejection. Everyone was acting the way I felt. No one wanted to show too much skin for fear of being torn down by the people they were destined to spend the next four years with.
The key to having high self-esteem is to feel comfortable being uncomfortable. To be fine with expanding your comfort zones. Going out on a limb, and then jumping off. There is no straight answer to gaining confidence, except to take your comfort zone and expand it. Build yourself up in your head. Picture who you would like to become and ask yourself “what would I do if I were who I want to be”?
I don’t know if there is a clear answer to this. Few people have the capacity to understand how they are looked at. The best way I can describe this is to explain the first time I realized how my peers were really viewing me.
It was the summer before I went to college. The school organized a weekend orientation, where we’d learn the ropes of the school and meet some of our classmates. Literally no one knew anyone else. Throughout the day, we were sent throughout the campus to learn the ropes. Here’s where you go to class; here’s where you pay your bills; Here’s where you get your mail. This went on for a solid six hours. At the end of the day, the school threw an “ice cream social”.
There were few groups of kids doing much more than standing awkwardly in circles with their would-be new friends. I have never seen so many sets of eyes never stray from a cup of ice cream. I took a step back and Took it all in. I had spent all day trying so hard to make a good impression by doing the exact same thing that hundreds of other people were. All these people were too afraid to act like themselves for fear of rejection. Everyone was acting the way I felt. No one wanted to show too much skin for fear of being torn down by the people they were destined to spend the next four years with.
The key to having high self-esteem is to feel comfortable being uncomfortable. To be fine with expanding your comfort zones. Going out on a limb, and then jumping off. There is no straight answer to gaining confidence, except to take your comfort zone and expand it. Build yourself up in your head. Picture who you would like to become and ask yourself “what would I do if I were who I want to be”?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Therapy Isn't Just For Crazy People
There, I said it. I’m very open about my experiences through therapy and my own development throughout the process. Sometimes when I tell people that I’ve been seeing a shrink for almost two years, they seem shocked. As far as I can tell, they immediately start wondering what horrible psychological condition I had suffered from. These are the old fashioned people that still believe in the early 1900s version of the psych asylums. Crazy people walking around in straight jackets, drooling all over themselves.
I guess it’s easier for people to pretend that’s the way it is. The field of psychology has advanced exponentially from this “dark age.” However, there are lingering assumptions among the general population that seeing a psychologist or a counselor is an admittance of weakness or some form of insanity.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. Taking the first step in admitting you need help is difficult. Once you take this step though, you will be glad you did. Whether you’re looking for counseling for a serious condition, or just going through a depressive phase, counseling WILL help. The process of understanding how and why your thoughts and feelings are affecting you can make the difference between being barely functional and reaching your full potential.
Granted, every clinician sees their fair share of paranoid schizophrenics and anti-social personalities, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help you with your more mundane problems. When I began therapy, I had a serious anxiety disorder. Through therapy, I have overcome that problem, but I still see a therapist regularly. It helps to see someone, even if you are past a depressive phase or other traumatic event. Just because you feel better now doesn’t mean you can’t learn ways to avoid similar anxious and depressive feelings in the future.
Anxiety, depression and other psychological disorders all have certain phases that they go through. If you are depressive, you may be depressed for a few weeks at a time, but then you may recover for a month or two. The depression or anxiety phase will likely return. If, in the meantime you seek counseling and learn about the sources of these feelings, you have a very good chance of being able to handle the next phase.
Do not be afraid of seeing a shrink. They are people like you and I, and will be a great help. If you see a therapist during a massive depressive episode, it will help. If you see a therapist after your grandma dies, it will help. If you see a therapist after you fail a test, it will help. Do not be afraid of the stigmas associated with seeing a therapist.
I guess it’s easier for people to pretend that’s the way it is. The field of psychology has advanced exponentially from this “dark age.” However, there are lingering assumptions among the general population that seeing a psychologist or a counselor is an admittance of weakness or some form of insanity.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. Taking the first step in admitting you need help is difficult. Once you take this step though, you will be glad you did. Whether you’re looking for counseling for a serious condition, or just going through a depressive phase, counseling WILL help. The process of understanding how and why your thoughts and feelings are affecting you can make the difference between being barely functional and reaching your full potential.
Granted, every clinician sees their fair share of paranoid schizophrenics and anti-social personalities, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help you with your more mundane problems. When I began therapy, I had a serious anxiety disorder. Through therapy, I have overcome that problem, but I still see a therapist regularly. It helps to see someone, even if you are past a depressive phase or other traumatic event. Just because you feel better now doesn’t mean you can’t learn ways to avoid similar anxious and depressive feelings in the future.
Anxiety, depression and other psychological disorders all have certain phases that they go through. If you are depressive, you may be depressed for a few weeks at a time, but then you may recover for a month or two. The depression or anxiety phase will likely return. If, in the meantime you seek counseling and learn about the sources of these feelings, you have a very good chance of being able to handle the next phase.
Do not be afraid of seeing a shrink. They are people like you and I, and will be a great help. If you see a therapist during a massive depressive episode, it will help. If you see a therapist after your grandma dies, it will help. If you see a therapist after you fail a test, it will help. Do not be afraid of the stigmas associated with seeing a therapist.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Apocalypse is Imminent
We aren’t even going to make it to 2012. Society has got its shit all mixed up. I logged on to my email website, and instead of finding information about the economy, healthcare, unemployment, or the war, the headline is “Town Mourns Albino Squirrel.”
The link led to a bit on fox news about an albino squirrel got hit by a car in England. News becomes interesting for the viewer one of two ways. First, if it affects them locally, such as a school catching fire or road closures. Secondly, international news garners attention purely because of the vastness of the event. Such as stock market crashes and the international price of oil. Rarely, something will make the news that fits in either of these categories. A man dressed as a clown robbing a convenience store is an example of this. Usually these other news stories have some kind of humor or meaning to the viewer.
In conclusion, what is a national news station doing talking about a dead squirrel an ocean away from us?
Here is a link to the video
The link led to a bit on fox news about an albino squirrel got hit by a car in England. News becomes interesting for the viewer one of two ways. First, if it affects them locally, such as a school catching fire or road closures. Secondly, international news garners attention purely because of the vastness of the event. Such as stock market crashes and the international price of oil. Rarely, something will make the news that fits in either of these categories. A man dressed as a clown robbing a convenience store is an example of this. Usually these other news stories have some kind of humor or meaning to the viewer.
In conclusion, what is a national news station doing talking about a dead squirrel an ocean away from us?
Here is a link to the video
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
How mediocrity will be the end of us all.
The worst attribute in a leader is mediocrity. It has no place in a society like ours. In an age where it could be the end of the world, or the beginning to a bright future, it is horrible that the only attribute that seems to be in abundance is mediocre people. Maybe it’s a question of motivation. Maybe it’s a question of skill. Maybe it’s a side effect of our society.
People tell you to think outside the box, to be your own person, and to think outside of the norm. But what makes a person unique, special, or eccentric? Where do you draw that line? I think the answer is in each one of us. Everyone’s personal psychology and personal philosophies are different. The key is not to give in to these social norms. Be yourself.
Live without regrets. Take it day by day. If someone is on your nerves, approach them. Consider your argument, and if you decide that you are in the right, make it known. Don’t allow yourself to be stepped on because of outside pressures. Stir things up. Be a problem child. If people don’t want to deal with your opinion, it only shows how invested they are in the topic at hand. If you are more involved in someone else’s business than they are, is it really their business, or have you taken the reigns?
“It’s none of your business” should never be taken seriously. If you are emotionally involved in an argument, it’s as much your business as any other party involved. If you legitimately don’t care about a situation, then it is none of your business. There is nothing I regret sticking my nose into. There are repercussions of some of my actions, but I accept them with open arms. I have made and lost friends because of situations I could have simply ignored and continued on my way.
People deserve to pay repercussions for their action. This doesn’t just apply to negative acts. Hand out compliments when they are deserved. Be opinionated. Say when you like something, and scream when you don’t. Call people out for what you see them as, leave room for them to rebut.
After some time, you will begin to be able to see people how they view themselves, as opposed to how other people view them. With the proper amount of self-reflection, you will be able to see yourself through other people’s eyes. Be aware of these things and you will go far. Your interpersonal skills won’t be mediocre and people will start looking at you in a different light. I can’t promise everyone will look at you in a good light, but that is the price you pay for standing out. You will have friends, and you will have enemies. All that really means is that you have asserted yourself in places where others have been too afraid to.
People tell you to think outside the box, to be your own person, and to think outside of the norm. But what makes a person unique, special, or eccentric? Where do you draw that line? I think the answer is in each one of us. Everyone’s personal psychology and personal philosophies are different. The key is not to give in to these social norms. Be yourself.
Live without regrets. Take it day by day. If someone is on your nerves, approach them. Consider your argument, and if you decide that you are in the right, make it known. Don’t allow yourself to be stepped on because of outside pressures. Stir things up. Be a problem child. If people don’t want to deal with your opinion, it only shows how invested they are in the topic at hand. If you are more involved in someone else’s business than they are, is it really their business, or have you taken the reigns?
“It’s none of your business” should never be taken seriously. If you are emotionally involved in an argument, it’s as much your business as any other party involved. If you legitimately don’t care about a situation, then it is none of your business. There is nothing I regret sticking my nose into. There are repercussions of some of my actions, but I accept them with open arms. I have made and lost friends because of situations I could have simply ignored and continued on my way.
People deserve to pay repercussions for their action. This doesn’t just apply to negative acts. Hand out compliments when they are deserved. Be opinionated. Say when you like something, and scream when you don’t. Call people out for what you see them as, leave room for them to rebut.
After some time, you will begin to be able to see people how they view themselves, as opposed to how other people view them. With the proper amount of self-reflection, you will be able to see yourself through other people’s eyes. Be aware of these things and you will go far. Your interpersonal skills won’t be mediocre and people will start looking at you in a different light. I can’t promise everyone will look at you in a good light, but that is the price you pay for standing out. You will have friends, and you will have enemies. All that really means is that you have asserted yourself in places where others have been too afraid to.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Go straight to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. We’ve all heard the saying. It’s one of those things that gets brushed off as some random comment by someone trying to sound smart. Usually that’s the way it is.
However, taken at face value with no circumstances to base it off of, it makes perfect sense. Does it really matter if you mean to be a good person but act like a jackass? Too often have I seen people get off easy because they meant well by an action, but ended up being a jackass.
Sure, you went to that party to be social and make friends, but ended up making a fool out of yourself. Does that mean I shouldn’t be upset at you for being a dumbass? Oh, but he meant well. He’s really an okay guy.
I’ll go ahead and call bullshit on that one. I don’t care if you went out into the world trying to do the best thing you could. Results speak for themselves. It’s a great thing that you want to be involved with community service, but just because you want to make a difference doesn’t mean you are the best one for the job. I might be mixing arrogance with good intentions, but therein lies the problem.
Do you really want to do the best thing, or do you only think that you are the best one for the job? Take non-profits for instance. It’s a wonderful thing that every NFL player and their mom wants to start up and run their own philanthropy. They mean well, but don’t you think that it would make more sense to simply raise money for someone that knows what they are doing? Would you rather donate to the Ben Roethlisberger foundation*, or the American Red Cross? Thanks for giving a shit about the rest of us Ben, but leave the non-profit work for the non-profit organizations.
*I don’t have anything against Mr. Roethlisberger, and there are many other rich people that have no idea what they are doing.
However, taken at face value with no circumstances to base it off of, it makes perfect sense. Does it really matter if you mean to be a good person but act like a jackass? Too often have I seen people get off easy because they meant well by an action, but ended up being a jackass.
Sure, you went to that party to be social and make friends, but ended up making a fool out of yourself. Does that mean I shouldn’t be upset at you for being a dumbass? Oh, but he meant well. He’s really an okay guy.
I’ll go ahead and call bullshit on that one. I don’t care if you went out into the world trying to do the best thing you could. Results speak for themselves. It’s a great thing that you want to be involved with community service, but just because you want to make a difference doesn’t mean you are the best one for the job. I might be mixing arrogance with good intentions, but therein lies the problem.
Do you really want to do the best thing, or do you only think that you are the best one for the job? Take non-profits for instance. It’s a wonderful thing that every NFL player and their mom wants to start up and run their own philanthropy. They mean well, but don’t you think that it would make more sense to simply raise money for someone that knows what they are doing? Would you rather donate to the Ben Roethlisberger foundation*, or the American Red Cross? Thanks for giving a shit about the rest of us Ben, but leave the non-profit work for the non-profit organizations.
*I don’t have anything against Mr. Roethlisberger, and there are many other rich people that have no idea what they are doing.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Have fun? In a hospital?
A couple days ago, a couple friends and I escorted our friend to the emergency room. I won't say what happened, but he is fine now. When we arrived, it took a while for him to get in, as most of you can relate to. We sat down at the childrens table and began playing paper football. Later, a one legged homeless man was pleasuring himself in the middle of the waiting room. Being college students, we all had a good laugh about it.
We walked out past a few groups of people that gave us questioning looks and then nodded in his direction. People seemed so awkward because of this man, and yet they did nothing to stop him. We found it hilarious watching people come into the emergency room, see him, and freak out.
After we got bored of that, we went exploring the hospital. After getting lost and being escorted out of the morgue by a security guard, we found a couple girls that were sitting far from the man in question, looking incredibly awkward. We talked with them for hours and when our friend eventually came out of the ER, we left.
The question I am presenting here is why people take particular places and automatically associate it with predetermined emotions. IS there anything inappropriate about having fun while we wait for our friend to be checked out by a doctor? We were in the hospital for over four hours, and it would have been unbearable to put up with that.
When people go to the ER, most of them automatically assume a somber mood. When an emergency is happening, and all you can do is wait for a doctor to see you, is there any point in worrying? People walk in, worried about a broken wrist, or their child's cough, but they can't do anything until the doctor sees them. I understand the worry, and by no means do i support the idea of ignoring your problems. However I do think that if you know for a fact that there is nothing else you can do, accept the fact and make the best out of the circumstances.
We walked out past a few groups of people that gave us questioning looks and then nodded in his direction. People seemed so awkward because of this man, and yet they did nothing to stop him. We found it hilarious watching people come into the emergency room, see him, and freak out.
After we got bored of that, we went exploring the hospital. After getting lost and being escorted out of the morgue by a security guard, we found a couple girls that were sitting far from the man in question, looking incredibly awkward. We talked with them for hours and when our friend eventually came out of the ER, we left.
The question I am presenting here is why people take particular places and automatically associate it with predetermined emotions. IS there anything inappropriate about having fun while we wait for our friend to be checked out by a doctor? We were in the hospital for over four hours, and it would have been unbearable to put up with that.
When people go to the ER, most of them automatically assume a somber mood. When an emergency is happening, and all you can do is wait for a doctor to see you, is there any point in worrying? People walk in, worried about a broken wrist, or their child's cough, but they can't do anything until the doctor sees them. I understand the worry, and by no means do i support the idea of ignoring your problems. However I do think that if you know for a fact that there is nothing else you can do, accept the fact and make the best out of the circumstances.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Motivation/Writing a Book
Starting on November 1, I’m writing a book. The book will most likely be the worst piece of literary failure ever written. But that’s not going to stop me. There’s an organization that created National Novel Writing Month, where wannabe authors write upwards of 1500 words per day for an entire month, totaling about a 175 page, or 50000 word book.
To me, this is going to be a learning experience. Hopefully, I will be able to teach myself how to really hunker down and get work done. Of course, it’s also going to help me write better. 175 pages from now, I hope to have a much better grasp of my narrative voice and storytelling ability.
One of the biggest issues I’ve had over the past few years has been motivation. I’ve never been able to motivate myself to do things, even if I knew they were worthwhile. From studying for finals, to learning how to cook, it’s been a tough job to get myself to do anything. Even updating this blog feels like a chore sometimes.
These days, few people ever take time out of their lives to do things strictly for themselves. This is going to be the first real attempt I’ve ever made to take on a large project solely for my own development as a person/author/narrator/nerd.
Even by the start of the novel, I’m not sure how the character will develop and grow. If you’ve ever felt a connection to a character in a movie or book, the feeling is similar except much more tangible to the author.
Wish me luck; day one is just around the corner. Donations of coffee will be appreciated.
To me, this is going to be a learning experience. Hopefully, I will be able to teach myself how to really hunker down and get work done. Of course, it’s also going to help me write better. 175 pages from now, I hope to have a much better grasp of my narrative voice and storytelling ability.
One of the biggest issues I’ve had over the past few years has been motivation. I’ve never been able to motivate myself to do things, even if I knew they were worthwhile. From studying for finals, to learning how to cook, it’s been a tough job to get myself to do anything. Even updating this blog feels like a chore sometimes.
These days, few people ever take time out of their lives to do things strictly for themselves. This is going to be the first real attempt I’ve ever made to take on a large project solely for my own development as a person/author/narrator/nerd.
Even by the start of the novel, I’m not sure how the character will develop and grow. If you’ve ever felt a connection to a character in a movie or book, the feeling is similar except much more tangible to the author.
Wish me luck; day one is just around the corner. Donations of coffee will be appreciated.
Isolation
I’ve talked about self reflection before, but not how to do it. It’s a concept that used to be hard for me to grasp. So what, I go into the woods, sit around and think about stuff?
Hardly.
Like most things, before you can get anything of value out of it, you’ve got to practice. It’s your own blend of meditation and relaxation. There’s no way to write out a step-by-step process. You are the best person to use to find out how to let loose and take a look at yourself. Do something that you love to do, but do it alone.
At the very least, you will figure out if you really enjoy certain activities or just the social aspects of them.
Some people go to the gym, put on headphones and become consumed in their thoughts. Others sit down and do a crossword puzzle. Whatever it is that you are doing, make sure that you do it for yourself. Too often are people these days consumed by treating other people the right way and appealing to other people’s opinions. Take some time out of your day to leave room for yourself. Eventually you’ll figure out what works for you. If you aren’t afraid to go out and take risks socially, be sure to do the same for yourself.
Hardly.
Like most things, before you can get anything of value out of it, you’ve got to practice. It’s your own blend of meditation and relaxation. There’s no way to write out a step-by-step process. You are the best person to use to find out how to let loose and take a look at yourself. Do something that you love to do, but do it alone.
At the very least, you will figure out if you really enjoy certain activities or just the social aspects of them.
Some people go to the gym, put on headphones and become consumed in their thoughts. Others sit down and do a crossword puzzle. Whatever it is that you are doing, make sure that you do it for yourself. Too often are people these days consumed by treating other people the right way and appealing to other people’s opinions. Take some time out of your day to leave room for yourself. Eventually you’ll figure out what works for you. If you aren’t afraid to go out and take risks socially, be sure to do the same for yourself.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Writing a Novel
Since the Rudius Media message board was taken down, the various sections have been reestablished in other foums. Through the reincarnation of the writing section, I discovered http://www.nanowrimo.org. Nano is short for National Novel Writing Month.
Joining the other people attempting to write a novel should give me the encouragement I need to write on a daily basis. I'm going to start writing my draft on the first of november, and write at least 1500 words per day. It's going to be no feat of literary brilliance, but hopefully I will learn a lot about my own writing style.
My Nano novel should help me develop my own writing style and I will try to keep this blog updated regularly. I haven't decided whether or not to publish it as I go, but I'll be updating how I feel I have developed along the way.
I encourage anyone who has even thought about recreational writing to take part in this with me. It's going to be one hell of a commitment, but joining a community like Nano might be just the encouragement you (and I) need.
Wish me luck.
Joining the other people attempting to write a novel should give me the encouragement I need to write on a daily basis. I'm going to start writing my draft on the first of november, and write at least 1500 words per day. It's going to be no feat of literary brilliance, but hopefully I will learn a lot about my own writing style.
My Nano novel should help me develop my own writing style and I will try to keep this blog updated regularly. I haven't decided whether or not to publish it as I go, but I'll be updating how I feel I have developed along the way.
I encourage anyone who has even thought about recreational writing to take part in this with me. It's going to be one hell of a commitment, but joining a community like Nano might be just the encouragement you (and I) need.
Wish me luck.
Monday, October 19, 2009
My Opinion is the Only One That Matters
Call me selfish, egotistical and self-centered. My opinion is the only one that matters. Life is all about looking out for number one, yourself. One of the absolute worst things you can do with yourself is set out to be everybody’s friend. A friend of mine said the other day “if you aren’t pissing people off, you aren’t doing anything right.” Another honest joke. If you feel strongly about anything, and I hope you do, there will be opponents to your views.
Time to get back on track. If you go out trying to be everyone’s friends, you are destined to lose yourself. It is impossible to please everyone and remain an independent person. To find your own place in this world, you have to go out on a limb or two. To further out you go, the more you get noticed. The more you get noticed in social circles, as well as in the professional world.
I learned this lesson towards the end of high school. My senior year, I began reading Tucker Max’s stories. I was very narrow-minded and didn’t read his stories for much more than a quick laugh. After reading the now deceased message board associated with Max’s stories I learned much more than fart jokes and adult humor. His stories were about his uncut, brutal honesty with everyone he spoke to. He would call people how he saw them. Out of some miracle, he never got his ass beaten too hard. I hope to have the same luck, but that comes with the territory of open, brutal honesty. If you have something that you want to say, some opinion that you don’t know how it will be received, say it. To hold your tongue is to deny your own identity.
This by no means is saying to be a narcissist. Be compassionate, be caring, and be philanthropic. Or if that isn’t who you are, don’t be any of those things. The important concept to grasp is that you should strive to be independent. From the media to the predispositions of social group dynamics, there is pressure to conform to these ways. Remember that you are your own person, with your own views, and if you have something to say, let it fly.
Time to get back on track. If you go out trying to be everyone’s friends, you are destined to lose yourself. It is impossible to please everyone and remain an independent person. To find your own place in this world, you have to go out on a limb or two. To further out you go, the more you get noticed. The more you get noticed in social circles, as well as in the professional world.
I learned this lesson towards the end of high school. My senior year, I began reading Tucker Max’s stories. I was very narrow-minded and didn’t read his stories for much more than a quick laugh. After reading the now deceased message board associated with Max’s stories I learned much more than fart jokes and adult humor. His stories were about his uncut, brutal honesty with everyone he spoke to. He would call people how he saw them. Out of some miracle, he never got his ass beaten too hard. I hope to have the same luck, but that comes with the territory of open, brutal honesty. If you have something that you want to say, some opinion that you don’t know how it will be received, say it. To hold your tongue is to deny your own identity.
This by no means is saying to be a narcissist. Be compassionate, be caring, and be philanthropic. Or if that isn’t who you are, don’t be any of those things. The important concept to grasp is that you should strive to be independent. From the media to the predispositions of social group dynamics, there is pressure to conform to these ways. Remember that you are your own person, with your own views, and if you have something to say, let it fly.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Why you should go to college.
For those of us with the means to go to college, it should be a simple decision. However, it is a challenge for any 17 or 18-year-old high school student to make such a huge life decision. You are asking them to spend the equivalent of one fifth of their life so far in a higher institution. To have an adolescent dedicate the next four (or more) years of his life to something is difficult.
Even a 2-year community college or trade school is a leap of faith for these children. I say children, because even looking at myself two years ago, I see a young, inexperienced and naive kid. That kid wasn’t sure what to do with himself. That wasn’t his only issue though. He thought if he found the right thing to do after high school, be it a full time job, college, or a trade school, he would grow to have the “right” job for him. The “right” education would lead to the “right” job and he would be happy with his existence.
That has proven to be patently false. That version of me never found the elusive “perfect” school. There was no “perfect” route for my life to take. If you would have taken that kid and shown him who I would be in a scant two years, he never would have believed it. Who can expect a kid of 18 years to know what he wants to do and who he wants to be?
Luckily, I had the grades and the support of my parents who pushed me to go to college. I decided that because of my indecisiveness, the best thing to do would be to avoid the real world for a few years. With some generalized major, I’d be able to find a job that interested me and paid well enough to support me. Or at least I’d be able to take time and reassess myself. Hell, throw in grad school and I might have been able to avoid the real world for a couple more years.
The motivations and desires of a student between the ages of 18 and 20 are radically different. I went to college to escape. When I came here I came to realize a lot of things about the world at large.
First of all, the board game Life has it right. Without college, there are way to make it by, but it’s much easier if you go to school. You mature over the time spent at school still in a semi-controlled environment. It acts as a transition between high school and full time work. I challenge you to find a college graduate that thinks that one day of their college life was a complete waste.
Not that I said graduate. Dropouts gain from the college experience too. They realize that college is not right for them. Maybe they aren’t right for college. They might not have the drive, dedication and common sense. They might also not realize the opportunities provided to them.
Not all college students realize the opportunities presented to them either. College is primarily a learning environment. Coming in a close second is the unique social situation that college is. Four years of living in close proximity to your peers can teach you a lot about yourself. I’d say I have rediscovered my own identity, but that would insinuate that I knew who I really was before coming here.
It’s not that far fetched to say that a fair majority of college students have some sort of identity crisis or re-evaluation when they come to school. It’s not essential to go to college. I know a few people that were mature enough to enter the real world on their own. It’s a difficult process that can be done, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend the wonderful transition that takes place in today’s places of higher learning. A strange conglomeration of social and professional experiences, not to mention the unique things you will be exposed to on a college campus in this age of rampant socialization and irresponsibility.
Even a 2-year community college or trade school is a leap of faith for these children. I say children, because even looking at myself two years ago, I see a young, inexperienced and naive kid. That kid wasn’t sure what to do with himself. That wasn’t his only issue though. He thought if he found the right thing to do after high school, be it a full time job, college, or a trade school, he would grow to have the “right” job for him. The “right” education would lead to the “right” job and he would be happy with his existence.
That has proven to be patently false. That version of me never found the elusive “perfect” school. There was no “perfect” route for my life to take. If you would have taken that kid and shown him who I would be in a scant two years, he never would have believed it. Who can expect a kid of 18 years to know what he wants to do and who he wants to be?
Luckily, I had the grades and the support of my parents who pushed me to go to college. I decided that because of my indecisiveness, the best thing to do would be to avoid the real world for a few years. With some generalized major, I’d be able to find a job that interested me and paid well enough to support me. Or at least I’d be able to take time and reassess myself. Hell, throw in grad school and I might have been able to avoid the real world for a couple more years.
The motivations and desires of a student between the ages of 18 and 20 are radically different. I went to college to escape. When I came here I came to realize a lot of things about the world at large.
First of all, the board game Life has it right. Without college, there are way to make it by, but it’s much easier if you go to school. You mature over the time spent at school still in a semi-controlled environment. It acts as a transition between high school and full time work. I challenge you to find a college graduate that thinks that one day of their college life was a complete waste.
Not that I said graduate. Dropouts gain from the college experience too. They realize that college is not right for them. Maybe they aren’t right for college. They might not have the drive, dedication and common sense. They might also not realize the opportunities provided to them.
Not all college students realize the opportunities presented to them either. College is primarily a learning environment. Coming in a close second is the unique social situation that college is. Four years of living in close proximity to your peers can teach you a lot about yourself. I’d say I have rediscovered my own identity, but that would insinuate that I knew who I really was before coming here.
It’s not that far fetched to say that a fair majority of college students have some sort of identity crisis or re-evaluation when they come to school. It’s not essential to go to college. I know a few people that were mature enough to enter the real world on their own. It’s a difficult process that can be done, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend the wonderful transition that takes place in today’s places of higher learning. A strange conglomeration of social and professional experiences, not to mention the unique things you will be exposed to on a college campus in this age of rampant socialization and irresponsibility.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Success or Circumstance?
When we are taught never to give up as children, we are only hearing half of the story. What ever happened to learning from our failures? Noticing our mistakes and knowing what we did wrong? These are taught to us as well.
Our childhoods seem to be full of contradictory pieces of advice. Follow your dreams and you can do anything. True, to a point. As overplayed as it is, Obama did grow up from the slums to become president. But there have been many people who have grown up in the slums, and even more fortunate people, who have had the same if not more drive and dedication. Whether it is outside influences or just plain bad luck, some things are just unattainable. Don’t get me wrong, shoot for the stars and you will do well, but be aware that some things are just plain out of your control. Going through life working hard and expecting everything to work out just perfect is a terrible way to live.
I think what a lot of these posts are alluding to is the fact that although a lot of advice should be considered, it should not be considered completely. To set a goal and work towards it, even if seems unattainable, is a wonderful thing. But you must also be ready for the fact that you might not become the best in the world at whatever you strive to be. You could grow up wanting to be a surgeon, which is attainable given most situations. However, it is unlikely that you will become the best surgeon in the world.
One more thing to consider is your own attitude towards your equals. Be ready to accept that some people are just better at doing what you are trying to do. In the end you may very well be better than them, and one of the best things to do is to observe them without any ill feelings. It is too easy to fall in line with some of your coworkers and get upset that one guy is better than the others. Even in my limited experience, I have seen it too many times.
Let’s use the surgeon example. Of course the best surgeon will get the best and most interesting surgeries, where you might get stuck giving a ninety-year-old man a colonoscopy. Sure, one of the easiest things to do would be to become jealous of the better surgeon and become bitter. Some of the other surgeons will likely feel the same way. However, by controlling your attitude, you might be able to observe the entire situation from an entirely new angle. This introspection is an asset. You will be able to evaluate your feelings and hopefully disregard the inherent jealousy and observe the successful surgeon while your other peers will be preoccupied with the all-too-human feelings.
But I digress…
The point, if there is one to this rant, is that people should indeed shoot for the stars, but always be prepared for the rough times that can come along with it. You strive to be the best, and I hope you have the drive to do it. But take the presidency of the US as an example. There are probably better candidates for almost any high-ranking position in any corporation. Most of these people can lend their success at least in part to circumstances.
I don’t want to sound like a downer, but it might be necessary. You can be a happy and successful person without being the absolute best. In reality it is pretty unlikely that you will be the best at your career. That is not to say you shouldn’t give your all each and every day. You should always do your best, even if no one is watching. The point is that you should always be introspective and be able to accept the reality of any given situation.
The issue at hand is not giving up, but moving on. There will probably be more successful people than you. The thing that a lot of people never come to terms with is that they have to accept that. There are some things that you just cannot change. You must do your best to change the things you can, but be aware that there are some things that you cannot change. You have to do your best to accept these things, and move on.
Our childhoods seem to be full of contradictory pieces of advice. Follow your dreams and you can do anything. True, to a point. As overplayed as it is, Obama did grow up from the slums to become president. But there have been many people who have grown up in the slums, and even more fortunate people, who have had the same if not more drive and dedication. Whether it is outside influences or just plain bad luck, some things are just unattainable. Don’t get me wrong, shoot for the stars and you will do well, but be aware that some things are just plain out of your control. Going through life working hard and expecting everything to work out just perfect is a terrible way to live.
I think what a lot of these posts are alluding to is the fact that although a lot of advice should be considered, it should not be considered completely. To set a goal and work towards it, even if seems unattainable, is a wonderful thing. But you must also be ready for the fact that you might not become the best in the world at whatever you strive to be. You could grow up wanting to be a surgeon, which is attainable given most situations. However, it is unlikely that you will become the best surgeon in the world.
One more thing to consider is your own attitude towards your equals. Be ready to accept that some people are just better at doing what you are trying to do. In the end you may very well be better than them, and one of the best things to do is to observe them without any ill feelings. It is too easy to fall in line with some of your coworkers and get upset that one guy is better than the others. Even in my limited experience, I have seen it too many times.
Let’s use the surgeon example. Of course the best surgeon will get the best and most interesting surgeries, where you might get stuck giving a ninety-year-old man a colonoscopy. Sure, one of the easiest things to do would be to become jealous of the better surgeon and become bitter. Some of the other surgeons will likely feel the same way. However, by controlling your attitude, you might be able to observe the entire situation from an entirely new angle. This introspection is an asset. You will be able to evaluate your feelings and hopefully disregard the inherent jealousy and observe the successful surgeon while your other peers will be preoccupied with the all-too-human feelings.
But I digress…
The point, if there is one to this rant, is that people should indeed shoot for the stars, but always be prepared for the rough times that can come along with it. You strive to be the best, and I hope you have the drive to do it. But take the presidency of the US as an example. There are probably better candidates for almost any high-ranking position in any corporation. Most of these people can lend their success at least in part to circumstances.
I don’t want to sound like a downer, but it might be necessary. You can be a happy and successful person without being the absolute best. In reality it is pretty unlikely that you will be the best at your career. That is not to say you shouldn’t give your all each and every day. You should always do your best, even if no one is watching. The point is that you should always be introspective and be able to accept the reality of any given situation.
The issue at hand is not giving up, but moving on. There will probably be more successful people than you. The thing that a lot of people never come to terms with is that they have to accept that. There are some things that you just cannot change. You must do your best to change the things you can, but be aware that there are some things that you cannot change. You have to do your best to accept these things, and move on.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Self-Awareness
There’s not much that pisses me off more than people who are not aware of the type of person they appear to be. There is nothing more confusing than meeting a person who comes off as a completely different person than they are trying to be. Listen, I appreciate the effort that you are putting into it, but you just aint cutting it.
We’ve all met people like this. Hell, we’re all guilty of it at one point or another. I imagine most people go through a phase, usually in their college years, where they are unsure of nearly everything. You don’t know what you want to do when you graduate, you don’t know which classes you are taking, you don’t know who you can talk to if something’s bothering you. Usually in the midst of these phases, one tries new things. One tries to assume different personas when they are not even sure of whom they truly are.
Everyone usually goes through a few changes in their views of themselves before falling into line in their own stereotypical path. Basically, those kids that were Goths in high school might have turned into preps, the preps might have turned into punks, etc. When you remove a person from their familiar environment, it is not surprising to see them completely change their self image, if only to be accepted by their peers.
There are a few of us who go through these phases, and never really decided on a role to choose. These people are usually the ones who never really decide on what they want to do; they usually follow a cookie cutter major in college, and take whatever job finds them. They are the kids whose parents own a business where they can graduate with any degree and be guaranteed a management job for the rest of their lives.
These are the same people that confuse and infuriate me. They play whatever role that gets them as far as they can be carried on the backs of others. I have seen whole groups of friends flock around one central figure and copy his style, and create an entire clique because of their mutual fascination of this one individual. They have effectively lost all individualism, just falling in line with whomever they want to be like.
Along with the social followers-on, there are the ones that flip back and forth between social types. These are the proverbial whores that don’t put out. The smart kids who have low GPA’s. They try so hard; so hard that they have convinced themselves to be a type of person they are not.
If you haven’t figured yourself out yet, you probably are disagreeing with what I have said. There are some things, that when they happen, you just know it. There is no set recipe for success, nor is their a recipe to determine what you want out of life. The best comparison I can think of is the process of making friends. You can direct the interest of people by generating interesting comments and conversations, but to try and define a set of rules to making friends is impossible. It is an extraordinary process that takes time. I dare you to define how exactly you became friends with someone. Few friendships have a common ground where both party members can say “this is the exact time and place we became friends.”
This is the way we discover ourselves. When I was a high school senior, all the talk and bullshit of the school was about deciding a career. It was a glorified version of show and tell all about what your parents want you to do. Many people go through life never even discovering what they want to do with themselves. I think a lot of people figure it out too late as well. I think this is the source of a lot of “mid life” crises. It is remarkably simple to go through life never feeling fully content. It is too easy to give up and be whoever it is easiest to be.
The first step in this process is self-awareness and self-image. If you view yourself as just another guy or girl, that is all you will become. If you recognize yourself for who you could become, and are willing to put in all the hard work, the sky is the limit.
This is where you cannot forget to be modest. You have every opportunity to become great; you know you can become great. That doesn’t mean everyone you meet is ready to hear you talk about it. Talk yourself up, but don’t do it too much. Just because you have the drive and dedication to become the greatest at whatever you plan to do, don’t give people the opportunity to bring you down. If you need reassurance from others to get you motivated, you aren’t trying hard enough.
“Happiness isn’t enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
-Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes
We’ve all met people like this. Hell, we’re all guilty of it at one point or another. I imagine most people go through a phase, usually in their college years, where they are unsure of nearly everything. You don’t know what you want to do when you graduate, you don’t know which classes you are taking, you don’t know who you can talk to if something’s bothering you. Usually in the midst of these phases, one tries new things. One tries to assume different personas when they are not even sure of whom they truly are.
Everyone usually goes through a few changes in their views of themselves before falling into line in their own stereotypical path. Basically, those kids that were Goths in high school might have turned into preps, the preps might have turned into punks, etc. When you remove a person from their familiar environment, it is not surprising to see them completely change their self image, if only to be accepted by their peers.
There are a few of us who go through these phases, and never really decided on a role to choose. These people are usually the ones who never really decide on what they want to do; they usually follow a cookie cutter major in college, and take whatever job finds them. They are the kids whose parents own a business where they can graduate with any degree and be guaranteed a management job for the rest of their lives.
These are the same people that confuse and infuriate me. They play whatever role that gets them as far as they can be carried on the backs of others. I have seen whole groups of friends flock around one central figure and copy his style, and create an entire clique because of their mutual fascination of this one individual. They have effectively lost all individualism, just falling in line with whomever they want to be like.
Along with the social followers-on, there are the ones that flip back and forth between social types. These are the proverbial whores that don’t put out. The smart kids who have low GPA’s. They try so hard; so hard that they have convinced themselves to be a type of person they are not.
If you haven’t figured yourself out yet, you probably are disagreeing with what I have said. There are some things, that when they happen, you just know it. There is no set recipe for success, nor is their a recipe to determine what you want out of life. The best comparison I can think of is the process of making friends. You can direct the interest of people by generating interesting comments and conversations, but to try and define a set of rules to making friends is impossible. It is an extraordinary process that takes time. I dare you to define how exactly you became friends with someone. Few friendships have a common ground where both party members can say “this is the exact time and place we became friends.”
This is the way we discover ourselves. When I was a high school senior, all the talk and bullshit of the school was about deciding a career. It was a glorified version of show and tell all about what your parents want you to do. Many people go through life never even discovering what they want to do with themselves. I think a lot of people figure it out too late as well. I think this is the source of a lot of “mid life” crises. It is remarkably simple to go through life never feeling fully content. It is too easy to give up and be whoever it is easiest to be.
The first step in this process is self-awareness and self-image. If you view yourself as just another guy or girl, that is all you will become. If you recognize yourself for who you could become, and are willing to put in all the hard work, the sky is the limit.
This is where you cannot forget to be modest. You have every opportunity to become great; you know you can become great. That doesn’t mean everyone you meet is ready to hear you talk about it. Talk yourself up, but don’t do it too much. Just because you have the drive and dedication to become the greatest at whatever you plan to do, don’t give people the opportunity to bring you down. If you need reassurance from others to get you motivated, you aren’t trying hard enough.
“Happiness isn’t enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
-Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Reflections on Motivation
In this day and age, I think young adults have developed a problem. An entitlement complex. When children are waited on hand and foot, they expect good things to happen. We’ve all been taught that we can do whatever we dream, if we believe we can do it. I believe that I have the potential to become a millionaire. Everyone has it. What our elementary school teachers forgot to tell us was that if we want to be the best, we have to set our goals, never lose hope, and work harder than we can imagine to accomplish our dreams.
I worked a third shift full time job over this past summer as a way to make some quick money for the school year. The pay was nice, but I walked in as one of these unmotivated, entitled people. I walked out an adult. This school year I really noticed how grown up I have become. This was my first real job. Going from completely dependent on my parents, to working 40 hours a week, from 9pm-7am; the least I can say is that it was a shock to my system.
There is that saying, “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” That is true, but more important should be the fact that once you are exposed to what it is like to work paycheck to paycheck, and see people that do it for a majority of their lives, it puts things into perspective. These people that I met in this completely new environment set an example for myself. They were great people, but growing up, they weren’t as privileged as I have been. I didn’t understand at first, but I slowly began to feel guilty about myself.
These people were working their asses off for the past year just to pay their bills. I was off at school dicking around. I noticed that if I didn’t shape up, I would be taking a blessing for granted. The opportunities that were set out in front of me, with little of it due to the miniscule efforts I put into school in high school. My parents broke their backs providing for me, unknowingly spoiling me. It was a realization that nearly knocked me off my feet. I had been living a sheltered life, expecting things to fall into place. To graduate with some kind of degree and get a cushy office job somewhere.
Then I realized that was not what I wanted. I wanted to do something I loved. I realized that college was nowhere near as demanding as 40 hours a week of blue-collar work. I don’t remember if it was a watershed moment, or it happened gradually, but I realized what I wanted to do with myself. I want to become a clinical psychologist. I have always been interested in counseling, but I never knew if another 4 years of school was worth it. I realized that the extra school is a vacation compared to what could face me in the real world.
If you take one thing from this article, please never try to take anything for granted. Unless you are a homeless meth addict on the street corner, you have something to be thankful of. Be aware that no matter your situation, you can be successful in whatever you try. You just have to be willing to work hard and become the best at whatever it is that you want to do. Oh, and stay focused, but don’t forget to unwind once in a while.
I worked a third shift full time job over this past summer as a way to make some quick money for the school year. The pay was nice, but I walked in as one of these unmotivated, entitled people. I walked out an adult. This school year I really noticed how grown up I have become. This was my first real job. Going from completely dependent on my parents, to working 40 hours a week, from 9pm-7am; the least I can say is that it was a shock to my system.
There is that saying, “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” That is true, but more important should be the fact that once you are exposed to what it is like to work paycheck to paycheck, and see people that do it for a majority of their lives, it puts things into perspective. These people that I met in this completely new environment set an example for myself. They were great people, but growing up, they weren’t as privileged as I have been. I didn’t understand at first, but I slowly began to feel guilty about myself.
These people were working their asses off for the past year just to pay their bills. I was off at school dicking around. I noticed that if I didn’t shape up, I would be taking a blessing for granted. The opportunities that were set out in front of me, with little of it due to the miniscule efforts I put into school in high school. My parents broke their backs providing for me, unknowingly spoiling me. It was a realization that nearly knocked me off my feet. I had been living a sheltered life, expecting things to fall into place. To graduate with some kind of degree and get a cushy office job somewhere.
Then I realized that was not what I wanted. I wanted to do something I loved. I realized that college was nowhere near as demanding as 40 hours a week of blue-collar work. I don’t remember if it was a watershed moment, or it happened gradually, but I realized what I wanted to do with myself. I want to become a clinical psychologist. I have always been interested in counseling, but I never knew if another 4 years of school was worth it. I realized that the extra school is a vacation compared to what could face me in the real world.
If you take one thing from this article, please never try to take anything for granted. Unless you are a homeless meth addict on the street corner, you have something to be thankful of. Be aware that no matter your situation, you can be successful in whatever you try. You just have to be willing to work hard and become the best at whatever it is that you want to do. Oh, and stay focused, but don’t forget to unwind once in a while.
On Sex, half-truths, and Indecisiveness
I think it’s about time we started considering the other half of my grey argument. I feel that I left a lot out last time about making decisions. When faced with a choice, you first consider the options. Many times, some options are overlooked in the “grey” area (neither right nor wrong, innocent nor guilty). When faced with these choices, I think that it is in our best interests to analyze and probe each and every possible solution to the problem. The part that is left out is the final step of this process. The final decision. After you sift through all the solutions, it is imperative to make a final choice.
For example, imagine you are walking down the street after a day of work, on your way to the gym, and a woman comes up to you, says hi and asks how you are doing. You do not remember this person. Your thought process would probably try to decide how you know this person. Let’s think. She is wearing a business suit, coming from the direction of the office. Simple. You probably know her from work. She’s coming from the direction of the gym, but she’s not sweaty and tired. Therefore, you have analyzed the situation and came to a conclusion that you probably know her through work somehow.
Now, that is a fairly mundane example. Coming to the incorrect assumption does not harm you or the other person. You are not doing them a disservice by forgetting who they are, or even refusing to approach them about work, on the off chance that you know them from somewhere else.
Now let’s move on to the type of person that does not complete the decision making progress. Now imagine the subject is a girl, who is taken out on a date. She likes the guy, but its too early to start labeling them as a couple. Three weeks later, they are by definition, going steady. They spend nights together, go out to eat together, and spend copious amounts of free time together.
In my experiences, there is not ever a “will you be my girlfriend?” conversation like back in middle school. It is generally accepted that when a couple is mutually exclusive to each other, that they are together. Now what if that girl, never referred to her significant other as a boyfriend. They go out on dates, spend nights together, do dirty things.
Hold out on that for one second. I want to define a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. How do you define a “couple”? To me it means that 2 people have decided that they like each other and want only to date the other member of this couple. I would call them boyfriend and girlfriend.
Now suppose that the male partner begins to refer to the female as his girlfriend. They have been together for 3 months, and have spent many more nights together. They are exclusively together as far as the guy knows.
The girl however, is an indecisive idiot. Call me harsh, call me vulgar, but it is the truth. She is exclusively dating the male, showing affection (although most of it only in private). But, when referring to her dating partner, she calls him just a friend.
In this case, the female has gone through the process of becoming someone’s girlfriend, and is exclusive. The only problem is that she can’t decide if she wants to have a boyfriend or not. She rationalizes it by saying that she does not like titles. She thinks by having titles, things become assumed. However, while calling someone your boyfriend assumes that you are, in fact, mutually dating each other. To me, it seems that although she is going through the motions, and showing these feelings to her partner, that she is not honestly sure if she wants a relationship or not.
Now I’m going to go out on a limb and suppose that I am this guy. I am aware of the fact that she does not “believe” in labels. I don’t care. By definition, she is my girlfriend. I treat her that way. She treats me the way a girlfriend treats her boyfriend. I thought that was all that really mattered.
My God was I wrong. These labels create a bond. Similar to an engagement. By introducing people as their boy/girlfriend, it is letting everyone know that “this person is important to me, I am committed to this person”. Without this label, a certain indecisiveness shows that she is not sure if she wants that connection. She created the feelings in me. I acted the part of the boyfriend. She acted the part of the girlfriend. The problem was, she was not sure that she wanted what she had. But that was as far as her decision went. She was neither supportive nor opposed to the idea of labeling ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. This created a precarious situation when I approached her about it. She would neither confirm nor deny that she wanted to be my girlfriend. She was opposed to any form of PDA. However when in private, she played the part well. On the surface, we were a couple who had only been dating for a couple weeks, and were not fully sure of the conditions of the relationship. Inside, I felt she was my girlfriend, and treated her like how I would treat any other girl I had been dating for five months.
Of course over time I could not bear the fact that she was never a proponent of PDA, or “labels". I had a feeling that she was not planning out how we were viewed by people in public. When people have been sleeping together for three months, people begin to talk. People begin to assume things. Of course, the girl has no idea why. She wanted the whole serious part of the relationship to be secret. Let me rephrase that. The girl wanted a private adult relationship, but a public relationship that was still in the indecisive early few weeks of dating.
You can see where this can run into problems. When I approached her about the issues, things just went downhill. If she doesn’t believe in labels, who are her friends? Does she treat all of her “friends” like me? What kind of person has a five-month relationship with someone who they refer to as a “friend?”
All of these questions tore me apart. This woman was so indecisive that she had no straight answer for any of these questions. I was distraught. Was the “friend” she had over in the beginning of the semester just a “friend,” or a “friend” like I was becoming. Was her “stalker” really stalking her? Or was she just leading him on as a friend and he did not understand why she would not want to be involved with him.
Through all of these questions, I never got a single straight answer. I asked why she lied to me so much. Her response was along the lines of “I never lied to you, I just never gave you a straight answer.” To me, in that situation, they were as good as the same.
All of this shit, this horrible, emotional SHIT, that I am going through right now, after finding out that I was almost never given a straight answer through an entire five month relationship, has one simple source. Indecisiveness. Labels.
If she had labeled myself as a boyfriend, and been honest with me throughout the relationship, things might have worked out. She could have said that she led on her “stalker” whenever she was bored and indecisive. She would lead him on for days; even some nights sleep in the same bed as him. She would never let him know how she felt about him. She simply wanted a hand to hold, someone to hug when she was down. She wanted a friend, but could not bring herself to stop there and label him as a friend. What man would not take an invitation to bed as a sensual, if not sexual thing? He assumed she was into him. No one can blame him for that. Of course he became attached.
This huge, relationship-killing, problem (like most) started out small. Labels. The process of relationships is fairly simple. People become acquaintances, they move on to dating each other. At some point they become boyfriend and girlfriend and are exclusive to each other. After this, the same couple becomes engaged, taking the bonds that are created in the relationship and solidifying them. Finally they are married, forming a (hopefully) life-long pact to love and serve each other. I view this as a kind of stepladder sort of thing. These are steps, you do not slowly fade between being friends, dating, becoming engaged, and marriage. There are watershed events, and without labels we cannot know as observers if anyone is involved with anyone else. Labels are imperative to our society. Whether this girl is your friend, fuck-buddy, girlfriend, fiancé, or wife, it is important that she views herself that way. It is important that she acts how a wife, girlfriend, or a fuck buddy would act. It is fairly clear that a fuck buddy and a wife would treat their significant other in very different was.
Without labels, the social structure of our society would collapse. The next time you are with someone that you hope to date, be sure that if you call her your girlfriend, they refer to you as their boyfriend. To some people it’s easier to act the part than accept the fact. If they do not label you in their own head, you can never know how they think of you. I dated a girl that wasn’t sure if she wanted a boyfriend, but she played the part, for five months.
Don’t be indecisive. I will end this with a quote by Tucker Max, which I think sums up this article pretty well.
“There is no greater freedom, there is no more potent weapon, there is nothing more conducive to mental health and stable relationships than being honest about who you are and what you want.”
For example, imagine you are walking down the street after a day of work, on your way to the gym, and a woman comes up to you, says hi and asks how you are doing. You do not remember this person. Your thought process would probably try to decide how you know this person. Let’s think. She is wearing a business suit, coming from the direction of the office. Simple. You probably know her from work. She’s coming from the direction of the gym, but she’s not sweaty and tired. Therefore, you have analyzed the situation and came to a conclusion that you probably know her through work somehow.
Now, that is a fairly mundane example. Coming to the incorrect assumption does not harm you or the other person. You are not doing them a disservice by forgetting who they are, or even refusing to approach them about work, on the off chance that you know them from somewhere else.
Now let’s move on to the type of person that does not complete the decision making progress. Now imagine the subject is a girl, who is taken out on a date. She likes the guy, but its too early to start labeling them as a couple. Three weeks later, they are by definition, going steady. They spend nights together, go out to eat together, and spend copious amounts of free time together.
In my experiences, there is not ever a “will you be my girlfriend?” conversation like back in middle school. It is generally accepted that when a couple is mutually exclusive to each other, that they are together. Now what if that girl, never referred to her significant other as a boyfriend. They go out on dates, spend nights together, do dirty things.
Hold out on that for one second. I want to define a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. How do you define a “couple”? To me it means that 2 people have decided that they like each other and want only to date the other member of this couple. I would call them boyfriend and girlfriend.
Now suppose that the male partner begins to refer to the female as his girlfriend. They have been together for 3 months, and have spent many more nights together. They are exclusively together as far as the guy knows.
The girl however, is an indecisive idiot. Call me harsh, call me vulgar, but it is the truth. She is exclusively dating the male, showing affection (although most of it only in private). But, when referring to her dating partner, she calls him just a friend.
In this case, the female has gone through the process of becoming someone’s girlfriend, and is exclusive. The only problem is that she can’t decide if she wants to have a boyfriend or not. She rationalizes it by saying that she does not like titles. She thinks by having titles, things become assumed. However, while calling someone your boyfriend assumes that you are, in fact, mutually dating each other. To me, it seems that although she is going through the motions, and showing these feelings to her partner, that she is not honestly sure if she wants a relationship or not.
Now I’m going to go out on a limb and suppose that I am this guy. I am aware of the fact that she does not “believe” in labels. I don’t care. By definition, she is my girlfriend. I treat her that way. She treats me the way a girlfriend treats her boyfriend. I thought that was all that really mattered.
My God was I wrong. These labels create a bond. Similar to an engagement. By introducing people as their boy/girlfriend, it is letting everyone know that “this person is important to me, I am committed to this person”. Without this label, a certain indecisiveness shows that she is not sure if she wants that connection. She created the feelings in me. I acted the part of the boyfriend. She acted the part of the girlfriend. The problem was, she was not sure that she wanted what she had. But that was as far as her decision went. She was neither supportive nor opposed to the idea of labeling ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. This created a precarious situation when I approached her about it. She would neither confirm nor deny that she wanted to be my girlfriend. She was opposed to any form of PDA. However when in private, she played the part well. On the surface, we were a couple who had only been dating for a couple weeks, and were not fully sure of the conditions of the relationship. Inside, I felt she was my girlfriend, and treated her like how I would treat any other girl I had been dating for five months.
Of course over time I could not bear the fact that she was never a proponent of PDA, or “labels". I had a feeling that she was not planning out how we were viewed by people in public. When people have been sleeping together for three months, people begin to talk. People begin to assume things. Of course, the girl has no idea why. She wanted the whole serious part of the relationship to be secret. Let me rephrase that. The girl wanted a private adult relationship, but a public relationship that was still in the indecisive early few weeks of dating.
You can see where this can run into problems. When I approached her about the issues, things just went downhill. If she doesn’t believe in labels, who are her friends? Does she treat all of her “friends” like me? What kind of person has a five-month relationship with someone who they refer to as a “friend?”
All of these questions tore me apart. This woman was so indecisive that she had no straight answer for any of these questions. I was distraught. Was the “friend” she had over in the beginning of the semester just a “friend,” or a “friend” like I was becoming. Was her “stalker” really stalking her? Or was she just leading him on as a friend and he did not understand why she would not want to be involved with him.
Through all of these questions, I never got a single straight answer. I asked why she lied to me so much. Her response was along the lines of “I never lied to you, I just never gave you a straight answer.” To me, in that situation, they were as good as the same.
All of this shit, this horrible, emotional SHIT, that I am going through right now, after finding out that I was almost never given a straight answer through an entire five month relationship, has one simple source. Indecisiveness. Labels.
If she had labeled myself as a boyfriend, and been honest with me throughout the relationship, things might have worked out. She could have said that she led on her “stalker” whenever she was bored and indecisive. She would lead him on for days; even some nights sleep in the same bed as him. She would never let him know how she felt about him. She simply wanted a hand to hold, someone to hug when she was down. She wanted a friend, but could not bring herself to stop there and label him as a friend. What man would not take an invitation to bed as a sensual, if not sexual thing? He assumed she was into him. No one can blame him for that. Of course he became attached.
This huge, relationship-killing, problem (like most) started out small. Labels. The process of relationships is fairly simple. People become acquaintances, they move on to dating each other. At some point they become boyfriend and girlfriend and are exclusive to each other. After this, the same couple becomes engaged, taking the bonds that are created in the relationship and solidifying them. Finally they are married, forming a (hopefully) life-long pact to love and serve each other. I view this as a kind of stepladder sort of thing. These are steps, you do not slowly fade between being friends, dating, becoming engaged, and marriage. There are watershed events, and without labels we cannot know as observers if anyone is involved with anyone else. Labels are imperative to our society. Whether this girl is your friend, fuck-buddy, girlfriend, fiancé, or wife, it is important that she views herself that way. It is important that she acts how a wife, girlfriend, or a fuck buddy would act. It is fairly clear that a fuck buddy and a wife would treat their significant other in very different was.
Without labels, the social structure of our society would collapse. The next time you are with someone that you hope to date, be sure that if you call her your girlfriend, they refer to you as their boyfriend. To some people it’s easier to act the part than accept the fact. If they do not label you in their own head, you can never know how they think of you. I dated a girl that wasn’t sure if she wanted a boyfriend, but she played the part, for five months.
Don’t be indecisive. I will end this with a quote by Tucker Max, which I think sums up this article pretty well.
“There is no greater freedom, there is no more potent weapon, there is nothing more conducive to mental health and stable relationships than being honest about who you are and what you want.”
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Drunken Honesty
“Never date the girl you lost your virginity to. It’s just a bad idea, son.”
This was advice I received from a none-too-sober friend of mine a few days ago. In my experience, there are hundreds of types of drunks, only one of which you should pay any real attention to. In this case, my friend was the philosophical self-aware drunk that surfaces on rare occasions. I have not seen, nor will I probably see my friend in that sort of drunken state ever again.
That is one of those few comments that gets a laugh when you first hear it, yet is the deepest piece of advice that can be given. It’s like when you tell your friend about how bat-shit crazy his girlfriend is. It’s humorous, but you are telling the blatant, unadulterated truth. With some people, you only see this honesty when they have lost hold of their tongue in a drunken rant.
I am going to go out on a very tiny limb now. I am going to directly argue with a professional arguer, my philosophy professor. He said that you should usually take a drunk’s words with a grain of salt because it is not truly them; That they lose control of their reason and let emotions and desires direct them. I think that fundamentally as people, we are nothing but bundles of emotion and desire. When the reason is stripped away, we hear all those words that get held back in regular conversations. Without their reason, that barstool turns into a soapbox.
This is one of the main reasons I pay special attention to people who seem to be giving out advice like it's candy. There's a lot of worthless babble that comes out of their mouths, but when their true feelings, their uncensored soul is on display, it is quite interesting. The old idiom “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” falls on deaf ears. It’s nice to treat others like that when they garner your respect. By no means am I telling you to go to your boss and call him out as the jackass he is, but don’t be afraid to show someone their place in social situations, where you’ve weighed the risks.
I make a conscious effort, maybe more so when I’m sober, to be completely honest with people (when intoxicated, I can’t help it). The first step to a genuine relationship with anyone should be complete honesty and openness.
It is in this regard that I think our society has grown afraid of asserting individual opinions. I don’t want to say that we have starved ourselves of honesty. In fact I think that the honesty has only been cut off, left only to be heard by our closest friends and families after pulling a 9-5. A lack of criticism has created a haven for shitty art. Call me old fashioned, but I still think it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Don’t try to avoid asserting what you think. There will be rough spots, but if you nod your head and take your place in line, where do you end up?
So here’s some advice: be honest. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, say something. If you think you can solve the problem that isn’t yours, give an answer. Don’t be afraid of what people will think. The worst case scenario is that you are incorrect, but have shown the initiative that is enviable in friends, employees, and coworkers. The best case? You show that same initiative, nerves of steel, and an intellect rarely seen in public.
This was advice I received from a none-too-sober friend of mine a few days ago. In my experience, there are hundreds of types of drunks, only one of which you should pay any real attention to. In this case, my friend was the philosophical self-aware drunk that surfaces on rare occasions. I have not seen, nor will I probably see my friend in that sort of drunken state ever again.
That is one of those few comments that gets a laugh when you first hear it, yet is the deepest piece of advice that can be given. It’s like when you tell your friend about how bat-shit crazy his girlfriend is. It’s humorous, but you are telling the blatant, unadulterated truth. With some people, you only see this honesty when they have lost hold of their tongue in a drunken rant.
I am going to go out on a very tiny limb now. I am going to directly argue with a professional arguer, my philosophy professor. He said that you should usually take a drunk’s words with a grain of salt because it is not truly them; That they lose control of their reason and let emotions and desires direct them. I think that fundamentally as people, we are nothing but bundles of emotion and desire. When the reason is stripped away, we hear all those words that get held back in regular conversations. Without their reason, that barstool turns into a soapbox.
This is one of the main reasons I pay special attention to people who seem to be giving out advice like it's candy. There's a lot of worthless babble that comes out of their mouths, but when their true feelings, their uncensored soul is on display, it is quite interesting. The old idiom “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” falls on deaf ears. It’s nice to treat others like that when they garner your respect. By no means am I telling you to go to your boss and call him out as the jackass he is, but don’t be afraid to show someone their place in social situations, where you’ve weighed the risks.
I make a conscious effort, maybe more so when I’m sober, to be completely honest with people (when intoxicated, I can’t help it). The first step to a genuine relationship with anyone should be complete honesty and openness.
It is in this regard that I think our society has grown afraid of asserting individual opinions. I don’t want to say that we have starved ourselves of honesty. In fact I think that the honesty has only been cut off, left only to be heard by our closest friends and families after pulling a 9-5. A lack of criticism has created a haven for shitty art. Call me old fashioned, but I still think it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Don’t try to avoid asserting what you think. There will be rough spots, but if you nod your head and take your place in line, where do you end up?
So here’s some advice: be honest. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, say something. If you think you can solve the problem that isn’t yours, give an answer. Don’t be afraid of what people will think. The worst case scenario is that you are incorrect, but have shown the initiative that is enviable in friends, employees, and coworkers. The best case? You show that same initiative, nerves of steel, and an intellect rarely seen in public.
My Favorite Color
So today in class my mind was wondering, as it often does. I wasn’t thinking of the normal things like what type of alcohol to for the weekend, and I wasn’t checking out the girls in front of me (because I’m in the front row). Anyway, I was thinking about my favorite color, gray. To some, probably most, people, grey represents dull, dreary weather. Green, however represents new life, rebirth, and all kinds of new, exciting things. Red represents passion, anger, and intensity.
At face value, both of these colors seem a lot more interesting than the color grey, which I completely understand. I’ll try to explain just how I came to decide that the bland, dreary gray became my favorite color.
The world is too often viewed in blacks and whites. My first example will be politics. There are republicans, democrats, liberals, and conservatives. Ninety percent of the population of the United States would put themselves into one group or the other. When, if you like to pick at the details, hardly anyone would fall into the category of a pure conservative or liberal, however, God knows how many people vote simply according to political party. I don’t want to go into detail about any politicians in general, and I don’t feel that I have to.
There are millions of other examples of things that on the surface seem two sided. I feel that as a society, we have begun to stop accepting anything but a crystal clear answer. Is this person right or wrong? Innocent or guilty? Smart or dumb? These are a few questions that are asked all the time.
I’m going to look at them one by one. First, right or wrong? Well, there are two obvious answers to that. But then again, didn’t Hitler think he was doing the right thing during World War II? The question of right and wrong generally depends on your personal set of beliefs or beliefs that are generally accepted by society. Next, innocent or guilty? This question is asked in every court case in America. However, isn’t it also possible to be partially guilty of a crime? If you were a witness capable of risking your life to save a person in a robbery, was it your duty to place yourself in harm’s way? Hell, there’s so many unanswered questions within that one that I honestly have no idea. Finally, a widely accepted “gray question.” Smart or stupid? There are many levels of intellect, from those needing round-the-clock care, to those who can perform insanely difficult calculus problems in their heads. Most of us fall in the grey area between these two extremes.
What baffles me, however, is that despite the grey questions that we all know don’t have a right or wrong answer, the world seems so polarized. That is how I see the problem. It is simpler to polarize things. To look at things from one angle or the other. It’s easier to label things than consider all of the possibilities, no matter how unlikely they would seem.
That is not to say that I should be worried about the fact that it is possible for my computer to fuck up somehow and electrocute me. I am just saying that it would be in everyone’s best interest to weigh all of the options when asked a question. Do not think in terms of black and white, right and wrong. Decide for yourself. Go out and experience things, do not simply agree with the more obvious solutions. More than likely, there will be a clear answer. But also when you change how you think, you may create new ways of seeing things. A hundred years ago, I would be crazy to think that there would be a system of machines connecting continents with up to the minute news articles. The people would label me insane and go about their lives. There are few people that can imagine what the future might possibly hold. So I guess the point of this is that no matter how silly you think an idea, remember that it was impossible to set foot on the moon, the world was flat, and the sun revolved around the earth.
Never discourage your own exploration of the gray areas. You’ve probably noticed that I change the spelling of “grey” throughout this article. Is one way right? Honestly, I don’t care. I used it to make a point. Is it important that there are two feasible options of the spelling of “grey?” I bet that the spelling has bugged you at one point in this rather lengthy post, but that is the point. Sometimes the blacks and whites of this world should be questioned, while other times you should look at yourself and ask if its really worth your time to give a fuck.
At face value, both of these colors seem a lot more interesting than the color grey, which I completely understand. I’ll try to explain just how I came to decide that the bland, dreary gray became my favorite color.
The world is too often viewed in blacks and whites. My first example will be politics. There are republicans, democrats, liberals, and conservatives. Ninety percent of the population of the United States would put themselves into one group or the other. When, if you like to pick at the details, hardly anyone would fall into the category of a pure conservative or liberal, however, God knows how many people vote simply according to political party. I don’t want to go into detail about any politicians in general, and I don’t feel that I have to.
There are millions of other examples of things that on the surface seem two sided. I feel that as a society, we have begun to stop accepting anything but a crystal clear answer. Is this person right or wrong? Innocent or guilty? Smart or dumb? These are a few questions that are asked all the time.
I’m going to look at them one by one. First, right or wrong? Well, there are two obvious answers to that. But then again, didn’t Hitler think he was doing the right thing during World War II? The question of right and wrong generally depends on your personal set of beliefs or beliefs that are generally accepted by society. Next, innocent or guilty? This question is asked in every court case in America. However, isn’t it also possible to be partially guilty of a crime? If you were a witness capable of risking your life to save a person in a robbery, was it your duty to place yourself in harm’s way? Hell, there’s so many unanswered questions within that one that I honestly have no idea. Finally, a widely accepted “gray question.” Smart or stupid? There are many levels of intellect, from those needing round-the-clock care, to those who can perform insanely difficult calculus problems in their heads. Most of us fall in the grey area between these two extremes.
What baffles me, however, is that despite the grey questions that we all know don’t have a right or wrong answer, the world seems so polarized. That is how I see the problem. It is simpler to polarize things. To look at things from one angle or the other. It’s easier to label things than consider all of the possibilities, no matter how unlikely they would seem.
That is not to say that I should be worried about the fact that it is possible for my computer to fuck up somehow and electrocute me. I am just saying that it would be in everyone’s best interest to weigh all of the options when asked a question. Do not think in terms of black and white, right and wrong. Decide for yourself. Go out and experience things, do not simply agree with the more obvious solutions. More than likely, there will be a clear answer. But also when you change how you think, you may create new ways of seeing things. A hundred years ago, I would be crazy to think that there would be a system of machines connecting continents with up to the minute news articles. The people would label me insane and go about their lives. There are few people that can imagine what the future might possibly hold. So I guess the point of this is that no matter how silly you think an idea, remember that it was impossible to set foot on the moon, the world was flat, and the sun revolved around the earth.
Never discourage your own exploration of the gray areas. You’ve probably noticed that I change the spelling of “grey” throughout this article. Is one way right? Honestly, I don’t care. I used it to make a point. Is it important that there are two feasible options of the spelling of “grey?” I bet that the spelling has bugged you at one point in this rather lengthy post, but that is the point. Sometimes the blacks and whites of this world should be questioned, while other times you should look at yourself and ask if its really worth your time to give a fuck.
Confidence vs. Arrogance
I believe that confidence is key in nearly every aspect of life. But what is confidence? It’s not an unwavering belief in yourself. Basically it’s your own cockiness being held back by a realistic set of expectations that you adhere to. Maybe that was a little to get your head around, maybe not. I like to think that there’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Unfortunately, I don’t think many people can tell the difference. Arrogant people will come over, introduce themselves, and give you a firm handshake. Confident people will do the same.
Where the difference lies, I think, is not in the outward appearance of the person, but their inner view of themselves. A confident person tends to be aware of his own faults, and uses this knowledge to avoid those situations, or, when uncomfortable situations arise, they are ready for them. Confident people also treat themselves as “just another person.” They don’t play themselves down, however they evaluate themselves from the outside looking in, rather than for example, someone who is shy and thinks other people are judging him all the time. Confident people will be able to brush off embarrassment, as would arrogant people.
Arrogant people, however, do not evaluate themselves nearly as much. They tend to have overinflated egos, loud, and obnoxious habits. This could be viewed as confident, and in a way it is. The difference is, while confident people are aware of their faults, and can compensate for them, arrogant people react similarly, because they are too self-absorbed to notice these faults.
That’s why it pisses me off when arrogant people are more successful than other less-outgoing people. We all have those friends that give off the wrong vibe when you first meet them. Those are the friends that you have to introduce other people to first, and direct the conversation in a way that their personality shows through. I think we can all agree that once you get to know these almost anti-social friends, you learn that they are great people. And of course you eventually figure out who is confident and who is arrogant. This takes a little work and a fair amount of time.
I guess I’m just writing this so that you can try to realize who is an asshole, and who is sure of themselves. It’s easy to get these things confused if you want to go out and just have a good time. I don’t blame people for confusing them, but I do feel sorry for them. I guess most people try not to judge people. We are taught not to judge people from the time we are children, but that is another story for another day.
I guess this is also a warning. Have an ego, build your ego whenever you can, just make sure to be aware of yourself. Be awake to how people respond to you. Be aware of what people have to say about you. Most importantly, don’t let anything anyone says go to your head. Don’t blow any compliment out of proportion, but also, never forget to be able to brush off insults. People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, and remember that you don’t have to please everyone. If you go out fishing, you will always lose some, you will probably throw some back, and you might also never even get a nibble. But remember, when you go out fishing, the larger the net you cast, the more likely you are to catch something.
Where the difference lies, I think, is not in the outward appearance of the person, but their inner view of themselves. A confident person tends to be aware of his own faults, and uses this knowledge to avoid those situations, or, when uncomfortable situations arise, they are ready for them. Confident people also treat themselves as “just another person.” They don’t play themselves down, however they evaluate themselves from the outside looking in, rather than for example, someone who is shy and thinks other people are judging him all the time. Confident people will be able to brush off embarrassment, as would arrogant people.
Arrogant people, however, do not evaluate themselves nearly as much. They tend to have overinflated egos, loud, and obnoxious habits. This could be viewed as confident, and in a way it is. The difference is, while confident people are aware of their faults, and can compensate for them, arrogant people react similarly, because they are too self-absorbed to notice these faults.
That’s why it pisses me off when arrogant people are more successful than other less-outgoing people. We all have those friends that give off the wrong vibe when you first meet them. Those are the friends that you have to introduce other people to first, and direct the conversation in a way that their personality shows through. I think we can all agree that once you get to know these almost anti-social friends, you learn that they are great people. And of course you eventually figure out who is confident and who is arrogant. This takes a little work and a fair amount of time.
I guess I’m just writing this so that you can try to realize who is an asshole, and who is sure of themselves. It’s easy to get these things confused if you want to go out and just have a good time. I don’t blame people for confusing them, but I do feel sorry for them. I guess most people try not to judge people. We are taught not to judge people from the time we are children, but that is another story for another day.
I guess this is also a warning. Have an ego, build your ego whenever you can, just make sure to be aware of yourself. Be awake to how people respond to you. Be aware of what people have to say about you. Most importantly, don’t let anything anyone says go to your head. Don’t blow any compliment out of proportion, but also, never forget to be able to brush off insults. People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, and remember that you don’t have to please everyone. If you go out fishing, you will always lose some, you will probably throw some back, and you might also never even get a nibble. But remember, when you go out fishing, the larger the net you cast, the more likely you are to catch something.
The Myth of the Platonic Relationship
Just about every guy I know has female friends they would never dream of having a romantic relationship with. But does that mean that they aren’t physically or sexually attracted to them? It is hard-wired into the human mind to search for the most suitable mate. Many attributes of women that most men find attractive are little more than evolutionary biases. Larger hips, athletic bodies, men are attracted to women that will be able to mother more children and be able to support the family.
Even psychologically, men and women both favor the confident go-getter personality over the lazy, uninteresting couch potato. How many times has any man or woman asked how to make an impression and received the advice “just be confident in yourself?”
But I digress.
To have a platonic relationship is to take all of these impulses to essentially do your part to help the human race survive, and completely ignore them. That is not to say that it is not possible to hold back these urges. I have plenty of female friends that I do not approach romantically because my logic tells me that it is a terrible idea. But nonetheless, these desires are still present.
But of course there may be friends that do not create in you any desire to be with them romantically at all. My question is, are those feelings (or lack thereof) reciprocated? I am no mind reader, but I feel that the answer is vehemently, no.
No one can completely remove themselves from these essentially evolutionary urges. They are in nearly all cases controllable, and you can block them out, but never truly be rid of them.
Have you ever had a crush on someone, or had a one night stand with someone? Probably. Now, think back and analyze how you felt about the other person before these events happened. When compared to how you feel about them now, have things changed? On the surface, in front of friends you can put on your game face. Act as if everything is right as rain. But how often do you see that person and think of the moments when you were attracted to them?
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